The Legend of Zelda: Cell Phone of Time
by Aeria Gloris
Summary: Cell Phone of Time, bewitched castle silverware, bad puns, statues of Navi?! Let's see if Link can pretend to be heroic enough to pull Hyrule out of this mess. (parody of OoT game)
1. The Cell Phone of Time

I was playing OoT yesterday (3/4/02) and I started making random comments after I defeated the Jabu-Jabu dungeon. Eventually, I started talking about cell phones and I decided to make it into a fanfic. My first attempt at a humor fic, and I'm also trying a different style of writing for it. so read, enjoy, and review (please!).  
  
Disclaimer: Zelda and co don't belong the colonel, but the cell phone does!  
  
  
  
Link: *runs towards Hyrule Castle and stops when the gate starts to open* (yes, gate, not drawbridge)  
  
*Zelda and Impa come racing out in a white Porsche. Zelda sees Link and throws something into the castle moat. Seconds after they disappear, Ganondorf rushes out in his black Ferarri.(AN: i have very little knowledge of cars, so don't sue me or anything) He stops the car and looks around. He growls in disappointment and spies Link and rolls down the window.*  
  
Ganondorf: You there! Little kid! Have you seen my cell phone?  
  
Link: *backs away slowly*  
  
Ganondorf: It was stolen by that little brat Princess Zelda. I need that cell phone back!  
  
Link: *draws his sword and glares at Ganondorf* I will never let you use the evil cell phone!  
  
Ganondorf: *smirks and blasts the young Hylian backwards with dark magic* You are stepping out of line, boy. Someday you will understand. Only too well. *guns the poor car and races off after Zelda and Impa.  
  
Link: *picks himself up and stares after Ganondorf for a while*  
  
Navi: Hey! Look! Listen! *bounces up and down madly*  
  
Link: *shoves her in a bottle*  
  
Navi: *can be seen mouthing "Hey! Listen! Hey!"*  
  
Link: I don't know why the Great Deku Tree chose you. I'm getting a new fairy.  
  
Navi: *"Hey!"*  
  
Link: *dives in the moat and picks up whatever was thrown. It turns out to be a black cell phone with a picture of the triforce on the top.*  
  
Navi: *mouths: "Hey! Look! Listen!" and bounces up and down inside the bottle*  
  
Link: I wonder if this is Ganondorf's cell phone...*dials *69 and holds it up to his ear*  
  
Voice in the phone: three little beeps The number you have dialed cannot be reached. It may have been disconnected. Please hang up and try again.  
  
Link: *stares at the phone in mild bewilderment*  
  
Voice in the phone: three little beeps Are you deaf? Did you not hear me the first time? I said you can't reach whatever pathetic person you are trying to call. So hang up the phone now or I will hunt you down until the day I die.  
  
Link: o.O *drops the cell phone and stares at it in fear*  
  
*The cell phone starts ringing*  
  
Link: *picks it up tentatively* H-hello?  
  
Zelda's voice: Link? Can you hear me? It's me, Zelda. Listen carefully. You are holding the Cell Phone of Time. Ganondorf stole the cell phone but he did not know the number to open the Door of Time. I reposessed the Cell Phone of Time from him when he was trying to bewitch the silverware. Link, you must never let Ganondorf get this cell phone. I will tell you the number you need to open the Door of Time: 622-7462. Good luck, Link.  
  
Link: um...  
  
Navi: *THUNK! the bottle rattles around on the ground and Navi pounds against the glass*  
  
Link: *whips his head around and glares down at the fairy in a bottle* (get it? and no, I'm not a Christina Aguilera fan) I've had enough of you fairy. *takes Navi out of the bottle and binds her to a slingshot pellet. He pulls back and lets Navi fly into the mysterious clouds beyond the Desert Colossus*  
  
Navi: HEEEYYYYYY!!!!!!!  
  
Link: Well, that's a load off.  
  
And so, Link pocketed the Cell Phone of Time and made his way towards the East of Hyrule Market, where the Temple of Time waited in stoic silence.  
  
Link: *walks up to the altar in the Temple of Time and dials 622-7462 as Zelda instructed.  
  
Voice on the phone: Please state your problem.  
  
Link: I need the Door of Time opened so I can continue on my journey and prevent Ganondorf from getting this cell phone and spreading his evil throughout the world. *nods firmly*  
  
Voice on the phone: One moment, please. *there is a long pause during which muffled laughter can be heard in the background* Please set the three Spiritual Stones in the altar now.  
  
Link: *takes out the three Spritual Stones and puts them in their proper places*  
  
Voice on the phone: Thank you. The Door of Time will now open. *disconnects*  
  
*The giant triforce over the Door of Time begins to glow bright yellow, and the Door slides open with a rather unpleasant sound similar to a warped version of Malon singing*  
  
Link: *covers his ears and winces*  
  
*The Door finally stops with a big groan. Light shines down upon the Master Sword in the room beyond*  
  
Link: *rushes into the room and stands on the pedestal before the Master Sword* wow...the Master Sword...Ganondorf will never get his hands on the Cell Phone of Time now! *pulls the Master Sword out of the pedestal*  
  
And thus, the young Hero of Time opened the door to the future, and was sealed for seven years in the Sacred Realm. What would await him when he awoke? Can he protect the Triforce with the Cell Phone of Time? Will Ganondorf ever bewitch the castle silverware? And what happened to Navi? Do we really care?  
  
  
  
  
  
if you review, you'll find out! anyway, no Malon bashing intended. I love 'er. She's a great kid. So, please R&R. reviews are the very elixer of life from which i drink and thrive! Tell me if you think I should do the temples or at least some version of them or not. can anyone guess what 622- 7462 spells? I wish you luck! btw, if I don't get at least six reviews for each chapter, the next one doesn't go up! ciao! ^^ 


	2. And...How did he get to be the Hero of T...

i'm so sorry it took so long for the next chapter! but i'm working on about six fics at the same time, which isn't very smart, so bear with me.  i had six hours of plane time over the past week, so i did some writing. hehe...anyway, here's the next chapter of the Cell  Phone of Time! 

We glide over Hyrule Field on...something..and see the wide green hills.  Picking up speed, we jump to the Temple of Time, completely skipping over Hyrule Market, because you can't see it yet.  It's part of the surprise.  Anyway, the camera zooms in on the temple, and everything turns white.  Words float across the screen.  Maybe we should read them.

Words - er - voice:  Link...Link, wake up.

Link:  der...

Voice:  Hero of Time, you must wake up.

Link:  lllllll....

Owner of the Voice:  *shakes Link violently*

Link:  @.@  Okay, I'm awake now.

Voice:  Good.

Link:  *looks at owner of the voice*

Voice:  I am Rauru ( as if you didn't know that already), the Sage of Light.

Link:  Nice to meet you.  I'm Link, the, uh...

Rauru:  You are the Hero of Time, the one chosen by the Master Sword to protect Hyrule from evil.

Link:  Nifty.

Rauru:  *speaks louder, clearly annoyed*  You had gained the keys to open the Door of Time, and enter the Sacred Realm.  It was hoped that you would obtain the Triforce and prevent Ganondorf from doing so.  However, you were too young, thus you were sealed in the Sacred Realm for seven years.

Link:  Seven years?  That sucks.

Rauru:  -.-  Quite...but now that you are older, you can save Hyrule!  Look at yourself, Link!

Link:  *does, and sees himself older and not so scrawny*  Awesome!

Rauru:  Indeed.  Since you have awakened, you must now begin a new quest.  With the Cell Phone of Time, you must awaken the other five sages and obtain their power.  Once you have done that, you will be able to vanquish the Gerudo King and restore order to Hyrule.

Link:  Sounds fun!  *turns serious (finally!)*  I will use the Master Sword, and with the Cell Phone of Time and my side, I will destroy the evil being, Ganondorf, and win the Triforce!!  *sticks Master Sword in the air and stands there like that*

Rauru:  how did he get chosen to be the Hero of Time? o.o'

Link:  *lowers sword and looks around*  So, how do I get out of here?

Rauru?  I will transport you out of here in just a minute.

Link:  okay.

Rauru:  In the form of the medallion, I give you my power.  *raises arms, and a golden medallion floats down to Link.*

Link:  One down, five more to go. Thanks, Rauru!!

Rauru:  Be safe, Hero of Time!!

The screen turns white again, and Link magically appears in the Temple of Time.

*THWACK!!!*

Link:  *falls backwards after having been hit in the face by a fast-moving, tiny, now-bouncing, glowing ball of light*

Fast-Moving, Tiny, Now-Bouncing, Glowing Ball of Light:  *with Russian accent*  I've finally found you, Link!  I caught up with you seven years ago after Navi's premature departure, but you disappeared in the Temple of Time.  Very rude, if you ask me!  *rams into Link again*

Link:  ouch!  *rubs his head*  who are you?

Fast-Moving, Tiny, Now-Bouncing, Glowing Ball of Light:  Oh, I'm terribly sorry!  I was so excited about finding you that I forgot to introduce myself! *stops bouncing*  I am Ivan, your new fairy partner.

Link:  another fairy?  I hope you aren't like Navi..*grimaces8

Ivan:  how rude!  *rams into Link again*

Link:  Ow!  *rubs his head*  Will you stop doing that?!

Ivan:  sorry, my wings slipped.  It's rather drafty in here...

Link:  *scowls at Ivan*  well at least you know how to say something besides "Hey! Look! Listen!!"

Ivan:  I have a wide vocabulary.

Link:  Didn't I just say that?

Ivan:  No, you said-

Link:  Never mind!

New voice (betcha can't guess who it is):  Can I interrupt you two long enough to provide you with information that is vital to your quest?

Link & Ivan:  Who are you?

New Voice:  I am Sheik, of the Sheikah.

Ivan:  Are all the Sheikah's names that original?

Sheik:  As a matter of fact, I am the first Sheikah to ever bear this name.  *stares at them haughtily*

Ivan:  Whatever you say.

Link:  So, what information do you have for us?

Sheik:  I was just getting to that.  Your mission, should you choose to accept it - you have no choice, so pay attention - is to awaken the other five sages and obtain their powers to destroy Ganondorf.

Link:  I already knew that.

Sheik:  *glares with a slightly red tint on his face*  I-I knew that...

Ivan:  Sure you did.

Sheik:  Well, maybe you don't know this.  Here are the locations of the five sages:  a deep forest, a high mountain, under a vast lake, the house of the dead, and inside a goddess of the sand.

Link:  I didn't know that.

Sheik:  *eyes gleam*  See?  I told you I had useful information for you.

Link:  I guess we better get going, then.  *runs out of the Temple of Time*

Ivan:  *sticks his tongue out at Sheik, but you can't see it 'cause he's just a little ball of light, and flies after Link.

And so, the New Adventures of Link the Hero of Time commence!  Will Rauru ever have faith in Link?  Will Ivan be more useful (or entertaining) than Navi?  Will Link be able to use the Cell Phone of Time without ridicule from the voice on the other end of the line?  Is Sheik's name really as original as he says it is?  Has Ganondorf yet bewitched the castle silverware?

Most of that and more answered in the next chapter of The Legend of Zelda:  Cell Phone of Time!!!


	3. The Greatest Horror Known to Hylian (and...

Don't even ask why it took me so long to put out the next chapter of this, because I have no excuse.

Captain Robison:  You better run, then.  People hate long updates.  Anyway, the only things she owns in this fic is Ivan and the cell phone.

Link:  *marches out of the Temple of Time*  Off we gooo, into the wild blue yonder!

Ivan:  What blue yonder?  The sky is the color of black doom, evil foreboding, bad things -

Link:  =.=  Off we gooo, into the scary black yonder!

Ivan:  That's better.

They continue on and venture into Hyrule Market, expecting to find happy people talking about crazy things while chickens run around their feet.  What they found instead would forever haunt their sleep.  What could be so horrifying??????!!!!!!  Let's read on and find out!

A giant ball of bluish-white light hovers over the well in the middle of the market.  It can be none other than....

Link:  Navi!  *backs away, an expression of pure horror plastered on his face*

Ivan:  *hides behind Link*  How did she get so big?!

Link:  Maybe there is something more to those mysterious clouds beyond the Desert Colossus.  *draws his sword and points it at Navi*  Away, foul demon!

*crickets chirp*

*chirp*

*chirp*

*CHIRP*

Link:  *takes a step closer and pokes Navi with the tip of his sword*

Navi:  Hey!

Link:  AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  *runs to the far side of the market*

Navi:  *repeats "Hey!  Look!  Listen!  Hey!  Look!  Listen!" over and over*

Ivan:  *ventures forth*  I think it's just a statue.

Link:  What sick deranged creature would build a statue of that vile insect?!  *inches his way along the wall*

Ivan:  There could only be one man so evil.  *stares solemnly at the statue*  He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Link:  You mean Ganondorf?

Ivan:  *rams into Link's head*  Of course I mean Ganondorf!  Who else would I be talking about?!

Link:  You could be talking about anybody.  Mido, Kaepora Gaebora, Zelda, Nicole Kidman... *ticks the names off on his fingers*

Ivan:  I said "he".

Link:  *stares blankly at Ivan*  Your point?

Ivan:  *falls out of the sky and lands with a thud on the ground*  Oy......

RRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNGGGGG!

Link & Ivan:  AAAAIIIIII!!!

Link:  What was that?!  *grips his sword tightly, looking around wildly*

Ivan:  *cowers under Link's shield*

RRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNGGGGG!

Ivan:  *bounces back and forth between Link's back and the shield due to the sound waves*

Link:  *flinches every time Ivan hits him*

Sheik:  *stands on top of the Temple of Time, watching Link convulse wildly*  o.O  There's no way he's the Hero of Time.... o.o'''''''

Link:  *finally realizes the ringing is coming from him and digs around under his shield.  After pulling out a couple dirty socks, old leaves, and Kuroneko, he finally found the Cell Phone of Time*

RRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNGGGGG!

Link:  *pushes the 'yes' button on the Cell Phone*  Hello?

Voice on the Phone:  Hey, is this Running Man's Pizza?

Link:  No.

Voice:  Okay, well I'd like to order a Speedy Delivery for a –

Link:  I'm not a pizza man.

Voice:  I don't care what you are, I just wanna order –

Link:  *hangs up the phone*  

Ivan:  What and idiot.

Link:  Yeah.  I mean, what's pizza?  *completely blank look*

Ivan:  I don't know…. *lightbulb goes off in his head*  You must visit the castle!  Nothing is the same as it was before you were sealed in the Sacred Realm.

Link:  *points his sword in the direction of the castle*  Onward!

Our heroic hero and faithful fairy carefully edge their way past the Navi statue, which is still spouting "Hey!  Look!  Listen!"  Taking a moment to gather their tiny hold of sanity, they continue down the path to Hyrule Castle….which is no more!  In its place is a giant black castle of doom!  As we all know, the castle is floating over a sinking pit of lava with no way to get into it without hurtling into the boiling magma.  Large iron fences decorate the tops of the castle walls.  The points of the iron posts are….knives and forks?!

Oh no!  Does this mean Ganondorf has bewitched the castle silverware?  Why does something think Hyrule has a pizza place?  What the heck is Kuroneko doing in a Zelda fic?  Just how much _does_ Link have behind his shield?  What insane person would build a statue of Navi?!?!?!

And those are the five questions of the chapter!  Six, only SIX(though more is good, too), people need to review for the next chapter.  Which, I promise, will come out a heck of a lot faster.


End file.
